Monday, May 10, 2010

Chapter 18: Straight to the Heart

Currently, how are you preventing Christ from binding and healing your hurting/breaking heart?

Last week, I had a cooking day. But instead of taking one day to prep and the other to actually cook, I did everything in one day. That day my girls wanted papi and mami. That day Hubby gets home and wants to go straight to bed but has reading for his class to do. That day I am looking at homeschool curriculums.

Well, when Hubby did get home, I could tell by his expression, that he didn't expect the girls to be up. There was a heaviness. But instead of calming things down and being a helper, something inside of me shifted. Instead of just communicating to him what had transpired during the day and what I still had to do, I got defensive.

And although, I got to finish the cooking, the girls went to bed, and Hubby read his book, I knew something was there. What was it, I was about to find out.

Days later, I hear Holy Spirit whisper, "Abandonment."
I knew what He was talking about but didn't want to confront it just yet.

Still after some time, I hear, "Abandonment." So I ask, "What is it that I have to renounce?" He answers, "Fear of Abandonment."

I go into our bedroom and communicate this to my husband.

Ok, why the long story? Well, to answer the question of how am I (how was I) preventing Christ from binding and healing my hurting/broken heart, it was pride. I didn't like to admit that someone else could actually hurt me. I'd much rather take it in and then process it, then pray and then leave it alone. But the Lord has been leading me to talk about the hurt with others and not just Him.

So what does this have to do with abandonment. Let me explain.
Whenever, I would sense my husband a little displeased or even with question marks on his face, I would shift inside. Communication lines were cut and walls went up. I translated any displeasure on his part as a sign of abandonment. Or really future abandonment. Instead of working on whatever I thought my husband didn't like, my attitude was more like, "this is it, take it or leave it. The girls are up, what can I do? They want papi and mami so what can I do?" Instead of saying, "Honey, they've missed you and got up when they heard you come through the door. Spend some time with them and then I will put them back to sleep."

I grew up in a house where love did not cover a multitude of sins. Neither of my parents served the Lord. I learned that if you don't like something in someone, you leave or you will be left. There was no let's work on it attitude. There was abandonment.

When I spoke to Hubby about this that night, I asked him to pray for me. We prayed and I asked him and God for forgiveness and I renounced.

Days later I was tested.

Holy Spirit was ministering me. I knew I had to communicate my feelings on a certain situation to my husband. How would he take it? What would be my reaction to his reaction?

Well, praise the Lord, I chose to do it God's way. And instead of just telling him my feelings in a matter-of-fact manner, I humbled myself and revealed my heart to him. I didn't have that take it or leave it attitude. I wanted to correct the situation together with him.

No abandonment.

Yes commitment.

God is good.

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May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Psalm 19:14